My First Phase of Life Ended at an Emo Concert. Now The Second Phase Starts.
I never thought I would have enlightenment in an emo concert when my body was constantly pushed to the back of the crowd by people moshing, my face wet because someone in front of me accidentally spilled her drinks when putting her hands up, my voice hoarse from singing loudly.
But it did happen in December 2021. I was watching Taking Back Sunday, my favorite band in middle school, for the first time, alone in New Jersey. Of course, I expected it to be one hell of an experience. After all, I had been waiting for a chance to watch them live since I first arrived in the States for school.
But what I didn’t expect was how the experience made me rethink my life.
I listened to Taking Back Sunday for the first time when I was 13. My uncle burned a pirated CD for me, a combination of hits from “Tell All Your Friends” and “Where You Want to Be”. I was immediately hooked by the vocals and the melody. I spent most of my middle school playing Age of Empire on my computer, sleeping late, while listening to that CD. I was always sleeping in class the next day, but in the evening I always felt alive.
I listened to TBS from time to time ever since. There were times in my life when I forgot about them, but I always came back to their songs, because not only they were era-defining for music, they were also era-defining for my life.
So that night, in the concert, as I listened to Adam Lazzara singing, I realized one thing: I have come very far in life.
13-year-old-me was a small-town girl dreaming about bigger things, dreaming about being in the middle of the action. I encountered the internet for the first time (mostly playing Friendster) and was amazed by what it could do. I just wanted to keep myself updated with the latest shiny things: books, music, films, games. They gave me a space to grow. Taking Back Sunday’s songs were there all along.
To stand in that ballroom, watching the band live made me realize “Heck, yeah, I am in the States, 9,655 miles from home, standing in front of the legend.”
I would be damned if I am not grateful every single day.
It just suddenly came to me that I have come full circle and my first chapter of life had ended at that moment. I had been through things I’ve wished for: going to New York, studying in one of the world’s best universities, falling (and staying) in love, and watching my favorite band live.
So Now What?
My first phase of life was always about me, about what I wanted, about what I needed to prove to myself.
So it’s time to change the course.
Not that I will suddenly be a saint and always think about the greater good, but in this second phase, I can change the way I make decisions, to focus more on what I can give instead of what I can take.
I can consider myself starting from a clean slate. This is me, just starting life, and charting a new course from zero. Forget history and what I used to do. Forget the sunk cost. If I were to restart my life with this new paradigm, what would I do?
After this reflection, new paths suddenly just opened up. I had an opportunity to start a career I never thought I still had the chance to do: a career that allows me to give more. I had massive emotional turbulence early this semester because it went very differently from what I have planned, but I ended up taking classes that I really needed.
It’s amazing how setting one intention triggers a whole new life map.
For that, I am grateful for life, for God, and for that emo night in New Jersey.
