Graduation, Changes, and Whatnots

Damn it, I’m graduating.

I am so ready to leave graduate school with its 3-hour-long classes and papers-I-put-efforts-into that never got meaningful feedback (except for a couple of professors that take their teachings seriously).

I am not ready, though, to face the reality of who I really am.

In school, we can play pretend. Your A+ grade makes you feel like you’re on top of the world and submitting an assignment boosts your endorphine (completing a task gives you the best feelings in the world!).

But real life is not one check over another. Where do things start and end after school? There are no clear milestones defined for you by a syllabus.

My parents always remind me of how silly I was when I was a kid. When I was 5, I used to tell everyone that my life plan goes like this: kindergarten, elementary school, junior high, senior high, college, job, marriage!

Who the hell was that human? Definitely didn’t understand social construct back then.

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It’s not that I have zero understanding of “real life”. I had 5 years of work experience before going to school again (should I say, blurry 5 years when I really just opened myself up to as many interesting works and people I could find).

I wouldn’t want to go back to who I was before this (oh, God, no, please, that person has zero wisdom), and I feel a little bit more sure about what I stand for now, but it doesn’t get easier, still. In fact, the stake is much higher, because it seems like people expect someone with a Master’s degree to know things (?). Also, now I get angry from time to time because people in powerful positions, everywhere, are a little bit corrupt.

But who am I to judge, right? Might as well climb the ladder and see what is up with the people on top. Are they crooked or just not have the time/energy to be ethical?

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This blog post is directionless.

My life isn’t, at least.

It’s not as linear as I hoped it would be, but it has themes.

And sometimes, that’s all that you need, not a detailed 5-year roadmap or a frickin’ grand plan. Just themes.

My themes are probably: stories, conscientiousness, and conscious relationships.

I know they sound vague. But they are my guiding principles when deciding on what to do next.

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I am in doubt, all the time.

But the older I get, I realize that sitting still to analyze things don’t always do me good.

Doubts can never be 100% resolved. They can only be minimized by 1) taking a manageable step to get slightly closer to resolving the doubt, or 2) reaching out to people vulnerably and with empathy.

The second part was something I learned the hard way because I tend to either be too suspicious or negative towards people’s intentions OR be too vulnerable in front of the wrong people!

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Despite my doubts, I know I’ll get through all challenges, mostly because I have a good support system.

Some people in my life always stay despite our ugly conflicts and my (sometimes) ugly personality he he.

It’s not a question of whether they would leave me, it’s a question of whether I appreciate and invest in them while they’re here!

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And when all else fails, I can always go back to my first theme in life: stories.